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Back Tracking

Now that I have been through the IVF Process, gotten pregnant, and I am on bed rest that leaves me with a lot of time.  I am going to go backwards and fill in the gaps from June to now.  There are a lot of things I will do differently for my FET transfer.  I plan on doing that once this baby turns 1.  Then we have a huge decision to make and that is if we will ever go through IVF again, I would love to have 4 children and my husband wants to have 3, but it’s a huge decision and expense.  Plus after the HORRIFIC experience my husband had we now know he will also have to have surgery and be put under.  Although this time we would potentially have two children.

Keep checking back I will start tomorrow from the beginning!  Hopefully over the next year I can talk about my journey into motherhood and the decision to start the FET! 

Lots of love!!

IVFwoes

So I know its been a very long time since I have written a blog post.  More than likely I have lost most of my followers, but life got so busy after I got pregnant.  I had some major life changes, the Huz and I both got new jobs right before IVF, so we were adjusting to that.  Wedding season begun, and I started traveling for work.  We had a friend move in with us, and my sister-in-law was also pregnant at the same time and we had family events I feel like every weekend.  I was going at turbo speed!

 Anyway this was all brought to a halt when I was put on bed rest 2 weeks ago at 30 weeks.  My cervix was beginning to shorten and I was 1 cm dilated.  I have always been paranoid about having an incompetent cervix as I have a friend who lost a baby early due to that very issue.  So I always had my doc check.  Please being an IVF patient, Mr. Wandy is a close friend of mine.  That is when they saw the cervical funneling and my cervix was shortening.  I was sent to the hospital and monitored, I received 2 steroid shots and stayed for 3 days.  Once they determined I in fact was not having any signs of labor they put me on bed rest.  I am still 1 cm but now I am 50% effaced.

So now I lay everyday, the good news is I am gaining weight like a champ finally. Until now I had only gain 11 lbs total.  In the last 2 weeks I have gained 6!  I am doing everything I possibly can to keep this kid in here. This goes to show you mothering starts long before the baby arrives. Even after all of this, IVF, bed rest, I cannot wait to do it again!  It will all be worth it when I meet my sweet little boy!  I am giving it up to God! We will see what happens!

I am sorry that I have not been a good blogger. Thank you for still reading even though I have not been writing.

Here is my update:  Beta 10 days post transfer = 110, 2nd Beta 14 days post transfer = 1,332

Heck yeah!  So there is definitely a baby in there.  I go for my third beta tomorrow at 17 dpt.  I also had to increase my progesterone.  Dr. T was not happy with my levels.  So not only do I have to use Crinone in the morning and PIO at night.  I get to do another Crinone at work in the afternoon!!! Yippee :/  Seriously, I am sick of progesterone.

But I did want to bring up, in light of all my joy and happiness, there has been a lot of sadness this week.  I want prayers to go out to MaternalTurtle and LeLelsMe who are suffering devastating losses this week. I am so so sorry this has happened. Life is not fair, and I ask God to give both of you peace.

 

Dad Knows Best…

As you know two days ago I had my first real Human moment of the IVF process. I was down for two days. I even was getting to the point where I was letting negative thoughts creep into me head. I was having doubts that I was not pregnant, because I did not know how I should be feeling right now. I was trying not to question God on why we had to go through this. Beta is Thursday And I only had 2 more days to wait. Plus I knew I was going to “cheat” and take a test the day before beta to prepare myself for the “Not Pregnant” I was going to get.

Then my Dad calls. As I have gotten older, I have realized that my dad actually knows something. Most of the time I think he’s a little obnoxious, boisterous, and arrogant. He is a self made business man, and he does not take crap from anyone. Even to the point of embarrassment sometimes. Well yesterday he calls to check on me. My dad is not the type to call everyday so I usually pick up. While we are talking he brings up my Aunt’s death that rocked our world last year. He starts to tell me a story about a man and an angel. It goes something like this:

There was a man, who needed a place to stay. First he went to the richest person’s house in the village and asked if they could stay for one night. The rich man said, I guess you can but you will sleep in the outhouse and we will throw you the left over food that we have. The man was grateful and stayed in the outhouse, which had not been taken care of, and was dirty. He received scraps of food and was still hungry. He was never to enter the main house.

The next day, he went to the poorest house in the village and asked if he could have a place to stay. This family lived on a small farm and only had one cow. They made their money by selling cow’s milk in the market. They let him inside, gave him their room while they slept on the floor. He ate and drank with them at the table, and was taken care of. In the morning he wakes up to hear the couple screaming. He goes outside and asks why they are screaming, they said our only cow how died. How will we make money, we will lose everything.

What the couple did not know is that in the night, the angel of death had come to the house for the husband. The man talked to the angel of death and said, please do not take the husband, take the cow instead. That they need each other but do not need the cow. So the angel of death took the cow and left the couple.

The man said to the couple, do not question God for why this has happened, but ask what’s next? That you have each other, and that is what is important. The couple agreed, and asked God what’s next, instead of questioning how he could do this to them.

The man left the home, and the couple goes to clean their room. They see a large bag of gold lying on the bed. The couple runs outside to catch the man, but he has already vanished. Meanwhile, the rich man who had not let the man enter his home was robbed of all his riches that same night and was left with nothing.

So as my dad is telling me this, I start to think, seriously…The second I start questioning why, my dad pops up with this story, about not asking why things happen to us. But start asking what is next for me. In the end my dad said to me, it will all work out the way it is supposed. You just have to have a little faith, which is hard. Because IVF beats you down. But we have to hold on to something, and faith that everything will work out…thanks for all the support my twitter and BabyCenter friends…tomorrow is Beta!

Human Moment

I am having a human moment.  I think that I have finally reached the point where I am tired of IVF.  I am tired of it reminding me every day that I am going through it.  I am tired of waking up a 5:30 in the morning to stick in a vaginal suppository, just so I can lay flat for 30 minutes.  Then remembering to take my morning meds before I eat at 7 am, and then making it back home before 7:30 to take my shot of progesterone, and remembering to take my meds with dinner.  Then all these drugs are just making my life crazy, so tired, bloated, and sore.

I am tired, and I know that I will only have to sleep for 3 more nights before I take the scariest test of my life so far.   Because I know if this comes back negative, we’ve just spent all this money and time, only to not have the prize in the end.  And I am tired.  Then to add insult to injury, all the doctors and nurses have been saying that I am fine, there is nothing wrong with me, I am 26 and very healthy.  Which only leads me to think, if it is negative, my body has just failed me? 

I cried it out in the shower, it seriously came out of nowhere, very randomly, and then I realized I am just having a human moment. I just needed a moment to be human and really experience IVF.  This journey can be so heart breaking but I am not letting it beat me down.  IVF is not going to win.  Because at the end of the day I know it’s the Huz and I, even if it’s always just us two.   Like I said at the beginning of this, all I can do is give this to God, and let’s see what happens.

Sorry I have not been keeping up on the blog this last week. I have been very tired this past week. I am thinking that it’s the side effect of the progesterone and all the other drugs. With my body mimicking pregnancy, I think I am feeling the full side effects of fatigue!

Anyway, I knew I had told everyone on Twitter I would share our egg retrieval story. The Huz and I look back at it now, and realize that we must be extremely positive people, because we could have easily been really upset or discouraged after the process. Instead, we thought everything went great! Until the Huz and I had our check up and the doctors where apologizing for what happened during retrieval. We both were like what went wrong?

Well let’s go back to the Friday before retrieval at my weekly check up, and they tell me that I will probably have retrieval on Wednesday at the rate of egg growth. They also warned me that my estrogen may be high due to the number of eggs. Nurse Red says to me that she hopes that it’s no higher than 2200. She would give me a call once the blood work came in. When I get the call, my estrogen is 2208. THANK GOD! Then she said that tomorrow Dr. T will call after the blood work. She tells me to lower my Follistim from 300 to 50.

Then as you all may have read my Chicago story “STFU and do what I say” It was not easy getting that blood draw, and my cycle would have been cancelled if I didn’t. My estrogen went to 2800 and it was for sure that I was having retrieval on Wednesday.

So I go in Monday and I am so uncomfortable I am having a difficult time breathing. They take my blood and my estrogen was at 5000. I stopped taking Follistim, took the HCG trigger on Tuesday and went in on Wednesday. Walking had become unbearable, I felt like my ovaries were pushing on everything.

The Huz’s procedure was in-patient, so he went to the doctor’s office and I went to the outpatient surgery wing. My surgery was supposed to be at 9 am at 10 am I was still laying there. My MIL was with me and we are wondering what was going on.

The Huz is at the urologist office, they are supposed to do a biopsy to get sperm. They do the initial biopsy and give it to the embryologist who I will call Dr. G for Genius. He comes back and says there is no sperm in the specimen. Dr. Urologist looked white as a ghost according to the Huz because he had guaranteed sperm, and right now there wasn’t any. Basically what happens next is enough to make anyone nauseous. Dr. G and Dr. Urologist began to weigh their options, we had no donor sperm, since I was already on the over stimulated side, there was no way I could wait another day and I was prepped for surgery. They decide they have to basically operate on the Huz in the office! The Huz obviously is awake and is only given a local, as they cut deeper he repeatedly has to tell them he feels pain, and they keep giving him injections. The Huz witnessed Dr. Urologist take his testicle out, basically cut it in half and dig for sperm! The whole time, the Huz (who is not very spiritual) says he is praying to God that there is something, some sperm somewhere. Because the last words he heard Dr. Urologist say to Dr. G was if there is no sperm in that sample we will not find any.

This whole time I am just waiting, wondering what is going on. Then they take me back and retrieve 31 eggs and 26 of these are mature.

Dr. G said because of all this last-minute and being unprepared for what happened could be the reason our fertilization rate dropped drastically. We already knew we were going to have to do ICSI, so at least that was in the plan. He was able to injection most of the eggs but not all the sperm was fully mature. They worked on our group from 10 am to 7 pm that evening. In the end we have 6 viable eggs for a 5 day transfer. They implanted 2 blasts, and only one made it to the 6th day so it could be frozen.

Dr. Urologist explained that if we ever do IVF again, the Huz will also be put anesthesia and have surgery too. The Huz had a ton of stitches inside and out, and could not get out of bed for 4 days. We looked pathetic, me on bed rest for 2 days, he not being able to walk, and my sister working overtime to take care of us.

So thank goodness we didn’t even realize what went wrong until a week later! But, hey everything happens for a reason and we are fine! We haven’t decided yet if we would do IVF again, we will def use the frozen embie when the time comes, but to go through everything again, right now we are not sure. We will keep you posted. As for now we are just praying and hoping that these two stick or at least one!

Beta is on Thursday, can’t wait! We are both pretty excited!

So…I am sitting in the basement at work due to a tornado and I figured I should update you on the past couple of days. ET went well! We implanted two gorgeous embies. One was a full 5 day blast and the other was an early 5 day blast. Well the full 5 day blast was a little stubborn sticking to the tube not wanting to be flushed out. It took two tries to get in out of the tube. Everyone started laughing saying that is definitely a boy, already stubborn! I am just hoping that some of that stickiness continued once he finally got back in there.

I had cramping off and on all day transfer day and also yesterday. Today I have not had very much cramping. I was instructed to take two days off, and be Queen for two days. I did not necessarily have to lay flat on my back but no cooking, cleaning, chores, lifting, just take it easy! Which is exactly what I did, when would I ever get to take full advantage of that again. Now I am back at work, and I am taking it easy. I do not have a very stressful job, and have not been walking around all over the place.

Last night, I made a decision not to be stressed about this. I could either freak out or be as tense as a ball or I can relax and realize it’s really out of my hands. I am a believer, so I do think that it’s now in God’s Control. All I can do is ask for the outcome I desire. I do not want to allow IVF to beat me down. So I am giving it up to God, praying about it, and hoping that one or two of those embies stick. My OVERLY Catholic mother, said, we will just call you Mary, since it’s the month of Mary and you technically did not have intercourse to pro-create, so we will hope the outcome is the same. I replied: you want me to give birth to Jesus?!?!?! ; )

Have a great day everyone! May everyone have a peace of mind today.

I will have to blog about the ER experience, it went well, but I think everyone needs to hear the whole story! Be back soon!

I am still feeling bloated, but I am not feeling pain, but I do feel achy all over my body.  I have been taking it very easy.  I slept pretty much the entire day of ER and the day after I went to work and came home early.  I was slightly over stimulated and was told to take it easy.  But things today are much better and ET is scheduled for Monday Morning. 

My acupuncturist was really upset because she wanted me to come in before and Dr. T was not keen on changing his time. So today we did electro stimulation and it was weird.  The needles were vibrating and I could feel the pulsing.  It’s bizarre.  Although I did feel better after I went to acupuncture.

Also since my Estrogen test came back high, they added another form of progesterone.  They want to make sure they balance each other out.  So I am on the wonderful vaginal suppositories and injecting PIO.  And SERIOUSLY! There isn’t a better way to get progesterone than this thick oil with the biggest needle being shoved in my @$$! At first it did not hurt at all. Then all of a sudden 3 hours later it was so sore, and it’s sore now!  So not only am I walking funny due to my discomfort but now I try to sit directly on it so I do not bother my bum!

The Huz is still hurting pretty bad.  They basically had to cut his testicle and open it entirely to find sperm.  They went very deep to look for sperm, because initially they could not find any!  So the doctor was a little bit worried, but then they were able to find some.  That is why they injected 26 eggs, just trying to get any sperm they could.  We will know the final count on Sunday!  Then we will transfer 2 5-day blasts.

I think to calm my nerves I will probably stay off the internet for the two week wait.  I will update via blog, but I will let you know the results for sure though.  So I will probably write one more blog on Sunday and then be out of commission for two weeks.  Anyway, that’s for all the support.  Love you all!

Have a great day!

Yesterday was ER.  I was so happy because I was so ready to get these eggs out! The Huz also had to have surgery as well.  He was dropped off at the office since his was in-patient surgery.  I went down to the outpatient hospital wing, and waited.  After they called me back and I stripped down and put on the @$$ open gown.  I lay on the bed, ready.  They had told me that they were going to give me some protein afterwords to help me since my ovaries were so big.  We waited for a long time before I went back and my mother in law stayed with me until I went back.  We both wondered what was taking so long.  My husband finally came down, and we found on that the first biopsy did not find any mature sperm.  The second cut that was extremely deep did find some good sperm, which we later found out from the Urologist.

I finally went back, and they moved me to the other bed, and that is all I remember.  They did not count down, let me know the anesthesia was coming, they just put me out!  I woke up in the recovery room.  They had started the protein and I had to finish two of these large bottles before I was allowed to leave.  They told me that I am going to be in pain for a couple of days. But I am in real pain.  My abdomen is pretty swollen, a little cramp-y, but what I realized is causing the most pain is constipation.  I am going home from work, and I am going to lie down.  My husband is also lying down all day, and I will join him.  My sweet mother in law is going to bring down dinner tonight.  I have acupuncture tomorrow and I am  hoping that will help.   

Other than that, we are waiting to hear how many will survive in the end.  Our clinic only does 5 day transfers, so my ET will be on Monday.  They will implant two, and we will hope that the other can be frozen.  This process is pretty exhausting, I have a new respect for those people who have gone through multiple IVFs. 

I hope that for me all will work out well.  I pray for those who have gone through these multiple times.  I wish the best for those starting their journeys.

I feel like a bomb that is waiting to go off. 

I had my last date with the magic stick today.  The follicles are looking mighty big!  The doctor is hoping to have anywhere from 25 – 30 eggs.  So keep my ovaries in your prayers.  My estrogen level has elevated, and so I am reducing doses of HCG.  On the other hand I am in pain.  I have gained about 9 lbs in a week and it is showing in my belly. I try to lay flat as much as possible that is the most comfortable position for me.  Walking long distances feels so uncomfortable and I am a stairs girl, and there is no way to walk up and down them at work.  I’m ready for the Egg Retrieval! I am READY, damn it!

However, when I got the call today that my ER was really scheduled for Wednesday, I got nervous and excited all at the same time.  I have stayed pretty positive but today was the first time I experienced being scared.  For a brief second I had a break in the positivity and was thinking of all the things that could go wrong! Then I watched that sweet Pampers Miracle commercial and I realized that I am scared because I want it so bad.  I want the grand prize at the end of this journey so bad.  I want to hold my own baby in my arms, look at my husband and say, “Can you believe we did this, we created this.”  I want to cry in the sonogram room when I hear the heart beat for the first time.  I want to decorate a nursery, and have a baby shower, I want to join the mommy club.  I want to have  hopes and dreams, and look at my child in awe because it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I want to see my baby laugh, cry, sleep, spit up, and change loads of dirty diapers.  I want to love our child like there is nothing else in the world that matters.  I want it all. I want to have my husband’s child.  I want it, and for the first time, I realize how nervous and scared I really am, because I realize that in over a week either that dream may or may not come true.

So I feel like the time in ticking on this bomb ready to go off.  I have a huge range of emotions, but most of them are happy, positive and good thoughts.  All I have right now is to stay positive and optimistic.  I already know what the worst could happen is, so why dwell on it?  Infertility sucks, seriously, it sucks bad.  But this is our  journey, this is our struggle, and we can only keep the faith that we will end up with a precious baby by Valentine’s Day!

I choose Hope and I hope you do the same.

In case you wanted to cry too!