Category: Pregnancy


ImageThe waiting game…With infertility you are always waiting, waiting for your next doctor’s appointment, waiting for test results, waiting for something. Most of all, you are waiting for your children. 

Thinking back to when I was a little girl playing pretend and house, I always envision myself with a certain amount of kids (mine was 3), but I always only had 1 baby and a couple of older kids.  What you don’t know at that time is each kid has to come one by one and at one point they are ALL babies.   I LOVE LOVE LOVE my little man and I am trying to savor every moment with him.  However, sometimes I just want to be on the other side of having kids.  I want to know I am DONE paying/savings to have kids, I want to know how many I will end up being blessed with, and I want to know I will never have to give myself another shot. I just wish I could fast forward to the end so I know,while trying to enjoy the present.

With all that said, I do feel a little bit at ease with this second go round.  I feel comfortable and ready for baby #2, I have all the items I need, and now that I have been pregnant I feel that I am more in tune with my body.  Even though every baby is different, there are certain things that I feel less stressed about, for instance, nursing, I made it a year with little man, and I know what to expect.  I hope to make it a year with #2 but if I don’t make it, I do not think I will be as devastated as I would have been with little man.  I am just more realistic about the LACK OF CONTROL you have with your child. Certain things work and other things don’t, and it’s all about just surviving and living in the moment with children.

The main stressor is hoping to get pregnant (as usual.) It worked last time, but you just never know…ever. I hope that it works again but you can’t get your hopes up too high.  I am doing all I can on my end and I just hope that it works with Gods plan.  Because the July implantation is really our only shot for this year, we would have to make major changes in vacation plans if we have to go another round, which would result in having to tell family members when we really do not want to until after we are pregnant again.  I just hope this frozen embie holds on for dear life!

But at the end of the day,  I am so grateful that I live in this day and age.  Who knows if we would even have children at all 35 years ago. I feel so blessed and lucky to have my one.  So even with all this waiting, anticipation, worry and expenses. I am grateful.

So I know its been a very long time since I have written a blog post.  More than likely I have lost most of my followers, but life got so busy after I got pregnant.  I had some major life changes, the Huz and I both got new jobs right before IVF, so we were adjusting to that.  Wedding season begun, and I started traveling for work.  We had a friend move in with us, and my sister-in-law was also pregnant at the same time and we had family events I feel like every weekend.  I was going at turbo speed!

 Anyway this was all brought to a halt when I was put on bed rest 2 weeks ago at 30 weeks.  My cervix was beginning to shorten and I was 1 cm dilated.  I have always been paranoid about having an incompetent cervix as I have a friend who lost a baby early due to that very issue.  So I always had my doc check.  Please being an IVF patient, Mr. Wandy is a close friend of mine.  That is when they saw the cervical funneling and my cervix was shortening.  I was sent to the hospital and monitored, I received 2 steroid shots and stayed for 3 days.  Once they determined I in fact was not having any signs of labor they put me on bed rest.  I am still 1 cm but now I am 50% effaced.

So now I lay everyday, the good news is I am gaining weight like a champ finally. Until now I had only gain 11 lbs total.  In the last 2 weeks I have gained 6!  I am doing everything I possibly can to keep this kid in here. This goes to show you mothering starts long before the baby arrives. Even after all of this, IVF, bed rest, I cannot wait to do it again!  It will all be worth it when I meet my sweet little boy!  I am giving it up to God! We will see what happens!

I feel like a bomb that is waiting to go off. 

I had my last date with the magic stick today.  The follicles are looking mighty big!  The doctor is hoping to have anywhere from 25 – 30 eggs.  So keep my ovaries in your prayers.  My estrogen level has elevated, and so I am reducing doses of HCG.  On the other hand I am in pain.  I have gained about 9 lbs in a week and it is showing in my belly. I try to lay flat as much as possible that is the most comfortable position for me.  Walking long distances feels so uncomfortable and I am a stairs girl, and there is no way to walk up and down them at work.  I’m ready for the Egg Retrieval! I am READY, damn it!

However, when I got the call today that my ER was really scheduled for Wednesday, I got nervous and excited all at the same time.  I have stayed pretty positive but today was the first time I experienced being scared.  For a brief second I had a break in the positivity and was thinking of all the things that could go wrong! Then I watched that sweet Pampers Miracle commercial and I realized that I am scared because I want it so bad.  I want the grand prize at the end of this journey so bad.  I want to hold my own baby in my arms, look at my husband and say, “Can you believe we did this, we created this.”  I want to cry in the sonogram room when I hear the heart beat for the first time.  I want to decorate a nursery, and have a baby shower, I want to join the mommy club.  I want to have  hopes and dreams, and look at my child in awe because it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I want to see my baby laugh, cry, sleep, spit up, and change loads of dirty diapers.  I want to love our child like there is nothing else in the world that matters.  I want it all. I want to have my husband’s child.  I want it, and for the first time, I realize how nervous and scared I really am, because I realize that in over a week either that dream may or may not come true.

So I feel like the time in ticking on this bomb ready to go off.  I have a huge range of emotions, but most of them are happy, positive and good thoughts.  All I have right now is to stay positive and optimistic.  I already know what the worst could happen is, so why dwell on it?  Infertility sucks, seriously, it sucks bad.  But this is our  journey, this is our struggle, and we can only keep the faith that we will end up with a precious baby by Valentine’s Day!

I choose Hope and I hope you do the same.

In case you wanted to cry too!

Dear Birth Control,

I have not been with you for a while, but started you again on April 1st, this last month with you has been Hell.  I wake up every morning with you as my first thought since you sit next to my sink.  I do my part in this relationship and take you everyday.  Your only job was to give Dr. T a chance to control my hormones.  What I did not expect from you was to make my breast grow an entire size and make them so sensitive that I cannot hug another human being.  I swear if one of my pregnancies symptoms is sore breasts, I will be pissed.  I am glad this relationship will be over in 4 days.

Regretfully yours,

IVFwoes