Category: FET


middle-finger pregnancy testBefore I start this post I want to apologize for the discontinuity you may feel with my posts.  Since I essentially have skipped blogging for about 4.5 years I will be playing catch up and giving new details about my journey now and then.  But today before I get on the DREADED treadmill and start my 16-minute mile I thought I would talk about my first and only FET thus far.

I feel the need to write this post but I am feeling nervous while writing it knowing that I will be going through another FET cycle in August. When my 1st FET failed I was heartbroken but I kept it together because I was one of the lucky ones whose first round of IVF had worked (even though 2 embies were implanted and only one took, I still got my DS.)

So when this FET failed, I went home and cried but at the end of the day I still rocked my first baby to sleep and I am grateful for that because I know how many people do not have the buffer of another child when these cycles fail.  But nevertheless it hurts.

People who do not have to use science to have a baby do not understand the devastation that comes with a failed cycle.  Not only have you put money, time, and effort into going through a cycle, the emotional rollercoaster and the daily reminder that you have to go through this for a chance to have a baby slowly chips away at your soul. The daily injections, patches, pills, alarms set on phones so you don’t forget, wondering if all the PIO got injected because you feel like some leaked out. It’s taxing. It’s hard to stay positive or grateful for the opportunity because every day you are reminded that you cannot have a child without science, and chances are still not high.

But I will write a blog on support another day, today is about why I think FET#1 failed.  If I am being honest FET#1 was horrible timing.  This is where I left off on my blog, so I figure I will pick up there.

After the Routine Appointment, I went in for my first meeting with my old friend Mr. Wandy.  There is nothing I love more than to have a plastic camera stuck up my vagina (obviously I am joking 🙂 ) It was during that ultrasound that we discovered I had polyps in my uterus, which the doctor believed they developed after the birth of my first child.  Immediately the May cycle was cancelled and I was scheduled for a polyp removal surgery instead.

I was happy about this because honestly I was not ready for a cycle in May, I only had 2 months to mentally and physically prepare and I was not there.  Our life was crazy, and I was still trying to get down the first time mom thing with no support, my husband had just stopped traveling for work, and it was a messy time in our lives to be spending thousands of dollars on having another baby. But my husband was ready, and I wanted more kids so why not go for it.

After the removal we were given the all clear, and set for a July FET.  I tried my best to get in shape, but I didn’t. I didn’t take my vitamins regularly, and I was still overwhelmed with life, my marriage was in a rough place, it was just a hard period. Acupuncture and massages which were regulars during my first cycle, I had cut out because I did not have the time and quite frankly did not want to spend the money!

I knew my mental and physical body were not prepared, and I still went through it. I got angry for a while because people get pregnant all the time when they are stressed, when it’s the wrong time for a baby, crack addicts get pregnant. And I am thinking, My God, we are good people, we go to church, volunteer our time, love everybody and do not discriminate, we have a home, good jobs, a good life, and it should just work damn it.  So what if life is a little crazy, why can’t it just be easy.  But when it didn’t work and I got that HORRIBLE CALL I wasn’t surprised, I knew in my heart the timing was off, I was not ready, and it just was not meant to be, but I knew then we would go through another full round and when we did it would work, because it had too, it was only fair, right??

Looking back, I was naïve, but you have to be to keep going time after time.  You have to keep the faith that you are going to learn something, do something different and you will get the baby you have been praying and dreaming about.

And you know the worst part of a failed cycle, is that damn progesterone, telling my body, I am pregnant with the sore boobs, bloating and nausea. It’s a good swift kick in the gut and a reminder that until that call I received at 4 pm, I was pregnant until proven otherwise. It’s like you don’t know what to do with yourself, you feel silly for being so upset, it’s not like you were pregnant so can you call it your baby, it’s not a miscarriage, the embryo just didn’t stick.  If that is the case, then WHY DO I FEEL like I lost a baby, why do I FEEL like that was my child that I never get to meet now, WHY does it HURT so much. For all I know the embryo was missing chromosomes or maybe it had severe defects, but I don’t know that because I did not have testing done on them. So instead I am left wondering why I am not pregnant. The pain is real.  But I didn’t give up, we didn’t give up.  And this time I knew that I had to take control of start prepping now for my next cycle.

With no embryos left and we would have to start from the very beginning.  IVF Full Cycle #2, try #3 here I go!!

Until next time!

Love and Sticky Dust!

IVFwoes

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Hi!

IVFwoes here! You may be wondering why my first post (in almost 3 years) is a picture of an undecorated bathroom.  Well, I am in the process of decorating my ½ bath.  We moved to our new home about a year ago and it has taken me that long to finally figure out what style I will be decorating this house.  So now, I will start from the beginning decorating ANOTHER house.

How is this relevant to IVF.  Well as a 6-year veteran and 4 cycles under my belt I now understand that it takes months, maybe even a year to gear up and prepare for a cycle.  You will try and do some crazy things in hopes that it will increase your chances of pregnancy.  Even after all these cycles here I am again, planning my vitamins, exercise plan and pre & post cycle plan.

So, as we start our prep for the very last cycle we will ever do – I will once again share that experience the same way I shared our first.  Hopefully, I will find time to fill you in on the years past as we go along but life is busy. But most of all I hope that this helps others along the way on their journey to baby. It’s long and painful, but always worth it.

So here is the number 5 and final. Don’t call it a come back, I’ve been here for years! 😉

 

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As you know we are ready to start thinking about Baby #2.  So we went to see Dr. Truth and talked about plans for the next baby and what we would need to do.  Everything seemed great and since this is not our first rodeo it was brief.  We then go into Nurse Boss’s office and she said so what date do you want, and the Huz says May! I look at him like what! He then gives me that, “Well why not?” stare…I told Nurse Boss that we will call her tomorrow with an answer.  Since I thought we had decided we were going to wait until the July cycle.

At this point I am not on board…I don’t think we are ready for number two, I have so many projects that I want to get done before I get pregnant.  Well more like purchases not projects! So I call my mom and she tells me if you are not emotionally or physically ready for another baby then don’t do it, but if it’s because of finances, I expect you to go through this in May.  Don’t get me wrong, we are not super wealthy, but we are pretty comfortable, and I just had other things I wanted to buy that we were saving up for before I had another baby.

So I call Nurse Boss and tell her that we are going to be doing the MAY cycle! Yep! That’s right! We are going through this in less than 2 months, so my 4-5 month window just CLOSED very quickly. I do not even have my protocol yet, but I will start BC pills today.  So wish me luck and we start this FET process! I honestly can’t believe it, but It is a relief because the decision is made and we are doing it. So here’s to stickiness!

ImageThe waiting game…With infertility you are always waiting, waiting for your next doctor’s appointment, waiting for test results, waiting for something. Most of all, you are waiting for your children. 

Thinking back to when I was a little girl playing pretend and house, I always envision myself with a certain amount of kids (mine was 3), but I always only had 1 baby and a couple of older kids.  What you don’t know at that time is each kid has to come one by one and at one point they are ALL babies.   I LOVE LOVE LOVE my little man and I am trying to savor every moment with him.  However, sometimes I just want to be on the other side of having kids.  I want to know I am DONE paying/savings to have kids, I want to know how many I will end up being blessed with, and I want to know I will never have to give myself another shot. I just wish I could fast forward to the end so I know,while trying to enjoy the present.

With all that said, I do feel a little bit at ease with this second go round.  I feel comfortable and ready for baby #2, I have all the items I need, and now that I have been pregnant I feel that I am more in tune with my body.  Even though every baby is different, there are certain things that I feel less stressed about, for instance, nursing, I made it a year with little man, and I know what to expect.  I hope to make it a year with #2 but if I don’t make it, I do not think I will be as devastated as I would have been with little man.  I am just more realistic about the LACK OF CONTROL you have with your child. Certain things work and other things don’t, and it’s all about just surviving and living in the moment with children.

The main stressor is hoping to get pregnant (as usual.) It worked last time, but you just never know…ever. I hope that it works again but you can’t get your hopes up too high.  I am doing all I can on my end and I just hope that it works with Gods plan.  Because the July implantation is really our only shot for this year, we would have to make major changes in vacation plans if we have to go another round, which would result in having to tell family members when we really do not want to until after we are pregnant again.  I just hope this frozen embie holds on for dear life!

But at the end of the day,  I am so grateful that I live in this day and age.  Who knows if we would even have children at all 35 years ago. I feel so blessed and lucky to have my one.  So even with all this waiting, anticipation, worry and expenses. I am grateful.

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Back Tracking

Now that I have been through the IVF Process, gotten pregnant, and I am on bed rest that leaves me with a lot of time.  I am going to go backwards and fill in the gaps from June to now.  There are a lot of things I will do differently for my FET transfer.  I plan on doing that once this baby turns 1.  Then we have a huge decision to make and that is if we will ever go through IVF again, I would love to have 4 children and my husband wants to have 3, but it’s a huge decision and expense.  Plus after the HORRIFIC experience my husband had we now know he will also have to have surgery and be put under.  Although this time we would potentially have two children.

Keep checking back I will start tomorrow from the beginning!  Hopefully over the next year I can talk about my journey into motherhood and the decision to start the FET! 

Lots of love!!

IVFwoes