Category: Egg Transfer


Like I told you in the beginning, as I finish this IVF journey I may jump around.  Mainly because I will write what I feel at the moment.  I am about to head to bed and I am listening to Oceans by HIllsong United. This song is going to be important to me for the rest of my life because this was my song during my twin cycle.

As you can imagine after 2 failed IVF cycles we were feeling defeated. We still had our son and so we tried to keep things in perspective that he just might be our only one and we were grateful for that.

My husband needed surgery to extract sperm and not just any surgery.  The surgery he needed was going to be a Micro TESE and only a handful of people truly specialized in the surgery.  I went back to find the original article done on this surgery because if we were going to do it, we were going to the best. At this point we had already spent $50k in IVF cycles and had our sweet son to show for it, but two heart breaking failures.

That is when I found Dr. Bruce Gilbert in Great Neck, NY. http://brucegilbertmd.com/micro-tese/

At this point we were ready to drain our financial resources for another child (as this cycle ended up costing a whopping $48K.)  We made an appointment with him, as you can imagine he is booked out far in advance.  But of course getting there would not go smoothly.  Our flight got cancelled and knowing that we did not want to have to reschedule and push our cycle back, we flew in to Maryland, rented a car and drove 4 hours to get to the appointment on time at 8 am.  We were exhausted and that is when we coined our phase, “if this was easy, it wouldn’t be worth it.”

I will go into more details about Mirco-Tese and the Cycle in a different blog but for now I just want to talk about the song.  So during the 5 months, I leaned on God with everything, I mean I could not have walked during this time if it wasn’t for him.  And anytime I started to doubt or feel weary, the song Oceans by Hillsound United would come on geh radio or pandora, and I would think to myself, there is God reminding me again to trust HIM.

Well I go up for the week of ER and transfer, and I am just praying that Oceans would play. I am listening to Hillsong United Pandora station, Christian radio, and NOTHING. The song that I have heard probably a 100 times in the last 6 months in my moments of doubt does not play for me one freaking time. I was so low, and so sad. Because even after transfer as I leaned on HIM, I am asking please give me a sign this worked, give me MY sign. Nothing. After almost 2 weeks of being in New York for ER, Transfer then 4 days of bedrest, I finally am leaving to go back home.  I drive to LGA, and I am thinking well, we did our best, but I don’t think this worked.

Then as I approach the airport, OCEANS PLAYS on chrisitan radio, and ends right as I park the car the rental car to turn it. I burst into tears, the ugly hyperventalating tears. People must have thought something terrible had happened because I could not stop crying. And I KNEW, I KNEW at that moment HE never left and I was pregnant. Then 8.5 months later I gave birth too 2 healthy, beautiful 35 week twins that needed no NICU.

Moral of the story: Never lose hope.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Love and Sticky Dust,

IVFwoes

middle-finger pregnancy testBefore I start this post I want to apologize for the discontinuity you may feel with my posts.  Since I essentially have skipped blogging for about 4.5 years I will be playing catch up and giving new details about my journey now and then.  But today before I get on the DREADED treadmill and start my 16-minute mile I thought I would talk about my first and only FET thus far.

I feel the need to write this post but I am feeling nervous while writing it knowing that I will be going through another FET cycle in August. When my 1st FET failed I was heartbroken but I kept it together because I was one of the lucky ones whose first round of IVF had worked (even though 2 embies were implanted and only one took, I still got my DS.)

So when this FET failed, I went home and cried but at the end of the day I still rocked my first baby to sleep and I am grateful for that because I know how many people do not have the buffer of another child when these cycles fail.  But nevertheless it hurts.

People who do not have to use science to have a baby do not understand the devastation that comes with a failed cycle.  Not only have you put money, time, and effort into going through a cycle, the emotional rollercoaster and the daily reminder that you have to go through this for a chance to have a baby slowly chips away at your soul. The daily injections, patches, pills, alarms set on phones so you don’t forget, wondering if all the PIO got injected because you feel like some leaked out. It’s taxing. It’s hard to stay positive or grateful for the opportunity because every day you are reminded that you cannot have a child without science, and chances are still not high.

But I will write a blog on support another day, today is about why I think FET#1 failed.  If I am being honest FET#1 was horrible timing.  This is where I left off on my blog, so I figure I will pick up there.

After the Routine Appointment, I went in for my first meeting with my old friend Mr. Wandy.  There is nothing I love more than to have a plastic camera stuck up my vagina (obviously I am joking 🙂 ) It was during that ultrasound that we discovered I had polyps in my uterus, which the doctor believed they developed after the birth of my first child.  Immediately the May cycle was cancelled and I was scheduled for a polyp removal surgery instead.

I was happy about this because honestly I was not ready for a cycle in May, I only had 2 months to mentally and physically prepare and I was not there.  Our life was crazy, and I was still trying to get down the first time mom thing with no support, my husband had just stopped traveling for work, and it was a messy time in our lives to be spending thousands of dollars on having another baby. But my husband was ready, and I wanted more kids so why not go for it.

After the removal we were given the all clear, and set for a July FET.  I tried my best to get in shape, but I didn’t. I didn’t take my vitamins regularly, and I was still overwhelmed with life, my marriage was in a rough place, it was just a hard period. Acupuncture and massages which were regulars during my first cycle, I had cut out because I did not have the time and quite frankly did not want to spend the money!

I knew my mental and physical body were not prepared, and I still went through it. I got angry for a while because people get pregnant all the time when they are stressed, when it’s the wrong time for a baby, crack addicts get pregnant. And I am thinking, My God, we are good people, we go to church, volunteer our time, love everybody and do not discriminate, we have a home, good jobs, a good life, and it should just work damn it.  So what if life is a little crazy, why can’t it just be easy.  But when it didn’t work and I got that HORRIBLE CALL I wasn’t surprised, I knew in my heart the timing was off, I was not ready, and it just was not meant to be, but I knew then we would go through another full round and when we did it would work, because it had too, it was only fair, right??

Looking back, I was naïve, but you have to be to keep going time after time.  You have to keep the faith that you are going to learn something, do something different and you will get the baby you have been praying and dreaming about.

And you know the worst part of a failed cycle, is that damn progesterone, telling my body, I am pregnant with the sore boobs, bloating and nausea. It’s a good swift kick in the gut and a reminder that until that call I received at 4 pm, I was pregnant until proven otherwise. It’s like you don’t know what to do with yourself, you feel silly for being so upset, it’s not like you were pregnant so can you call it your baby, it’s not a miscarriage, the embryo just didn’t stick.  If that is the case, then WHY DO I FEEL like I lost a baby, why do I FEEL like that was my child that I never get to meet now, WHY does it HURT so much. For all I know the embryo was missing chromosomes or maybe it had severe defects, but I don’t know that because I did not have testing done on them. So instead I am left wondering why I am not pregnant. The pain is real.  But I didn’t give up, we didn’t give up.  And this time I knew that I had to take control of start prepping now for my next cycle.

With no embryos left and we would have to start from the very beginning.  IVF Full Cycle #2, try #3 here I go!!

Until next time!

Love and Sticky Dust!

IVFwoes

So…I am sitting in the basement at work due to a tornado and I figured I should update you on the past couple of days. ET went well! We implanted two gorgeous embies. One was a full 5 day blast and the other was an early 5 day blast. Well the full 5 day blast was a little stubborn sticking to the tube not wanting to be flushed out. It took two tries to get in out of the tube. Everyone started laughing saying that is definitely a boy, already stubborn! I am just hoping that some of that stickiness continued once he finally got back in there.

I had cramping off and on all day transfer day and also yesterday. Today I have not had very much cramping. I was instructed to take two days off, and be Queen for two days. I did not necessarily have to lay flat on my back but no cooking, cleaning, chores, lifting, just take it easy! Which is exactly what I did, when would I ever get to take full advantage of that again. Now I am back at work, and I am taking it easy. I do not have a very stressful job, and have not been walking around all over the place.

Last night, I made a decision not to be stressed about this. I could either freak out or be as tense as a ball or I can relax and realize it’s really out of my hands. I am a believer, so I do think that it’s now in God’s Control. All I can do is ask for the outcome I desire. I do not want to allow IVF to beat me down. So I am giving it up to God, praying about it, and hoping that one or two of those embies stick. My OVERLY Catholic mother, said, we will just call you Mary, since it’s the month of Mary and you technically did not have intercourse to pro-create, so we will hope the outcome is the same. I replied: you want me to give birth to Jesus?!?!?! ; )

Have a great day everyone! May everyone have a peace of mind today.

I will have to blog about the ER experience, it went well, but I think everyone needs to hear the whole story! Be back soon!