Category: Double Life

ImageThe waiting game…With infertility you are always waiting, waiting for your next doctor’s appointment, waiting for test results, waiting for something. Most of all, you are waiting for your children. 

Thinking back to when I was a little girl playing pretend and house, I always envision myself with a certain amount of kids (mine was 3), but I always only had 1 baby and a couple of older kids.  What you don’t know at that time is each kid has to come one by one and at one point they are ALL babies.   I LOVE LOVE LOVE my little man and I am trying to savor every moment with him.  However, sometimes I just want to be on the other side of having kids.  I want to know I am DONE paying/savings to have kids, I want to know how many I will end up being blessed with, and I want to know I will never have to give myself another shot. I just wish I could fast forward to the end so I know,while trying to enjoy the present.

With all that said, I do feel a little bit at ease with this second go round.  I feel comfortable and ready for baby #2, I have all the items I need, and now that I have been pregnant I feel that I am more in tune with my body.  Even though every baby is different, there are certain things that I feel less stressed about, for instance, nursing, I made it a year with little man, and I know what to expect.  I hope to make it a year with #2 but if I don’t make it, I do not think I will be as devastated as I would have been with little man.  I am just more realistic about the LACK OF CONTROL you have with your child. Certain things work and other things don’t, and it’s all about just surviving and living in the moment with children.

The main stressor is hoping to get pregnant (as usual.) It worked last time, but you just never know…ever. I hope that it works again but you can’t get your hopes up too high.  I am doing all I can on my end and I just hope that it works with Gods plan.  Because the July implantation is really our only shot for this year, we would have to make major changes in vacation plans if we have to go another round, which would result in having to tell family members when we really do not want to until after we are pregnant again.  I just hope this frozen embie holds on for dear life!

But at the end of the day,  I am so grateful that I live in this day and age.  Who knows if we would even have children at all 35 years ago. I feel so blessed and lucky to have my one.  So even with all this waiting, anticipation, worry and expenses. I am grateful.

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I feel like a bomb that is waiting to go off. 

I had my last date with the magic stick today.  The follicles are looking mighty big!  The doctor is hoping to have anywhere from 25 – 30 eggs.  So keep my ovaries in your prayers.  My estrogen level has elevated, and so I am reducing doses of HCG.  On the other hand I am in pain.  I have gained about 9 lbs in a week and it is showing in my belly. I try to lay flat as much as possible that is the most comfortable position for me.  Walking long distances feels so uncomfortable and I am a stairs girl, and there is no way to walk up and down them at work.  I’m ready for the Egg Retrieval! I am READY, damn it!

However, when I got the call today that my ER was really scheduled for Wednesday, I got nervous and excited all at the same time.  I have stayed pretty positive but today was the first time I experienced being scared.  For a brief second I had a break in the positivity and was thinking of all the things that could go wrong! Then I watched that sweet Pampers Miracle commercial and I realized that I am scared because I want it so bad.  I want the grand prize at the end of this journey so bad.  I want to hold my own baby in my arms, look at my husband and say, “Can you believe we did this, we created this.”  I want to cry in the sonogram room when I hear the heart beat for the first time.  I want to decorate a nursery, and have a baby shower, I want to join the mommy club.  I want to have  hopes and dreams, and look at my child in awe because it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I want to see my baby laugh, cry, sleep, spit up, and change loads of dirty diapers.  I want to love our child like there is nothing else in the world that matters.  I want it all. I want to have my husband’s child.  I want it, and for the first time, I realize how nervous and scared I really am, because I realize that in over a week either that dream may or may not come true.

So I feel like the time in ticking on this bomb ready to go off.  I have a huge range of emotions, but most of them are happy, positive and good thoughts.  All I have right now is to stay positive and optimistic.  I already know what the worst could happen is, so why dwell on it?  Infertility sucks, seriously, it sucks bad.  But this is our  journey, this is our struggle, and we can only keep the faith that we will end up with a precious baby by Valentine’s Day!

I choose Hope and I hope you do the same.

In case you wanted to cry too!

I am feeling very breakable. 

I am slightly clumsy and I am scared that I am going to run right into a corner or something.  My abdomen is very swollen and the pressure kind of hurts.  I am going to the bathroom like every 5 minutes (This may be due to my enormous consumption of water.)  I am having some trouble sleeping as well but I think that was more about worry.  I called the Doc today to make sure it was okay to sleep however I wanted.  Nurse Red said that if I am very uncomfortable I should sleep in a recliner.  I am just hoping that all this discomfort is due to the numerous follicles that contain in my ovaries.

Otherwise things are going well.  I had to take my Follistim shot today in a Chinese restaurant bathroom.  My first cartridge ran out and I had to replace that and the needle and stick myself again.  It only took about 3 minutes so my friend didn’t wonder where I was.  All apart of having the secret double IVF life, lying to your friends, lying to everyone to protect our little secret.  At this point I am waiting for Friday to get an idea of what is going on in there.  Then hopefully next Wednesday is ER.  I cannot believe it sometimes.  This process goes by so fast and so slow at the same time.

My mood has still been pretty even.  I have been pretty positive still, and I am very hopeful.  This medication combo of Dex, Lupron, Baby A and Fol has not affected my mood the way its affected my body.  My stomach looks like I have the measles with all the needle pricks.

Anyway, I hope today was a good day for all.  On Twitter I saw lots of BFP! Lots of successful second scans and I am so happy for all of you. For my ladies that are grieving a loss or a zero beta, my heart goes out to you and I am thinking and praying for you.

Four days of shots.  I have accidently stuck myself twice and bleed, but I have successfully administered all four shots.  They are actually getting easier.  I just take a deep breath and stick in all the way in.  You HAVE to break the skin. When you just prick the skin, you bleed. I’ve learned this the hard way.  Also the Lupron shot has made me much more efficient about taking my baby aspirin and dexamethasone. I do not like the 7 am wake up that I still have to do on the weekend since that is the time I choose to take my shots.  But Dr. T wanted the Lupron in the mornings and that is right before I leave for work.

Yesterday was the last day I could play Kickball.  It was a good time, and I even scored a run.  Here ensues the beginning of my double life with my friends.  I have yet to tell them that I will not be there for next week’s game.  I cannot play anymore now that I am getting in the thick of things.  It was easy to think of things for work, but friends, they will know something is up, so I have had to become a pathological liar.

I told them I didn’t drink because I was still hung over from drinking a bottle of wine Saturday night at dinner (lie #1, I have not had alcohol or caffeine in 3 months, although I do miss a good Chardonnay.)  I told them that I will stay on first base this week because it’s my area of expertise (lie #2, I’m good at first base but I did not want to play outfield yesterday because if the ball is kicked your way its hits your belly hard, in turn hits your ovaries, not risking that!)  Will you be at next week’s game? Yeah, I think so (lie#3, no I will not be at next week game. I start taking Follistim which will now enlarge my ovaries to the size of softballs, and exercise may increase the risk of one of them turning over and possibly lead to the removal of a tube and an ovary, so hell-to-the-no!)

So here I am lying to everyone, just lie, lie, lie.  I feel like a government agent running a secret mission that has the highest level of security.  No one can get a clearance badge unless they directly talk with the director.  Then I hope I have a bigger secret to keep, at least from work, until I hit my 91st day of employment, which hopefully I’m at about 8 or 9 weeks along.

So anyway, have a wonderful IVF week and here’s to BFPs!

So I have this butterfly feeling like its Christmas.  I am not sure if it’s because I took my last birth control pill, or because I have my shot ready to go for tomorrow.  But it feels like tomorrow is such a big day.  The beginning of my first IVF, the Huz is very excited to be starting this process as well.  We are both staying optimistic. We are doing everything we feel is right.  We did not change our eating too drastically, but I am a health and wellness coach, so we just live a healthier lifestyle.   I will be sure to update you daily on my progress, and I have a feeling that the next 3 weeks to retrieval are going to fly by! 

I also think it will be fun to be pregnant with my sister in law and if everything went well for both of us we would only be 8 weeks apart!  At this point all we have is hope, hope, hope.  We will continue to hope, just like a little kid on Christmas hoping for that present they have wanted all year.  It’s the same feeling.  All we can do is hope for the best.  We already know what the worst is, so why constantly think about that.

Today I am working at a hospital and saw the most precious newborn baby boy.  I thought it would have been weird to ask to hold him.  However, I am sure they were creeped out by my intense staring. I can’t wait for the day when the Huz and I get to leave the hospital with our baby. 

So the next 4 -5 weeks, we will dedicate our lives to hope.

Today, I found out I was special.  I had my first doctor appointment of the IVF process.  I am still on the BCP and will continue to take them the rest of the month as my shots do not start until April 29th.  Today was my Sonohysterogram, saline ultrasound (test run to make sure there are no possible fibroids or obstructions that could prevent egg transfer.)  So, I go into the bathroom, remove the necessary clothing and walk out in my see-thru sheet.  I guess it doesn’t matter how thin the sheet is when they are about to go down under anyway (modesty is not a luxury for childbirth and IVF totally prepares you for that.)

So the lady nurse goes down under, and starts the vaginal ultrasound.  She then goes, “Woah, that’s neat.”  I am thinking, what is there a baby in there already! (A girl can dream)

Then the conversation proceeds as follows:

Nurse: You have a retroverted uterus!
Me: I got a… what?
Nurse: Your uterus is backwards! It’s pretty rare.
Me: Is that a bad thing, will that affect pregnancy?
Nurse: Not at all its just rare and unique, it’s like being left handed.
Me: So…Does that make me…Special?
Nurse: Absolutely!

So that was my feel-good special moment of the day, my uterus is backwards!  Who would have thunk it? Other than that, all systems look good.  No abundance of cysts, just the normal amount, and the catheter went in just fine (although I wish he could have been a little bit more gentle when testing it out) as of right now everyone is pretty hopeful.  The worst part of this trial run was standing up only to let saline hit the floor, and my legs, thank goodness the nurse moved my shoes.  So there is nothing left to do but be hopeful, stay positive, reduce stress, and wish for the best!

Lots of baby dust to you as well!

Today was the beginning of my secret life. I now understand how difficult it was for Clark Kent, to keep his secret from others.

The Huz and I decided two things when we started IVF. We would only tell a select few people in our family and I would leave my job for another or just quit due to the high amounts of stress. We decided this for many reasons. Our first reason was that we did not want everyone to know that we were going through IVF. When everyone knows they begin rooting for you and start building up enormous amounts of hope. Not that we are not hopeful, but our friends and family will constantly ask how the process is going, do we need anything, and God forbid if it does not work on the first try, not only will we be crushed but they will as well (both families are HUGE and involved and we both have a large social circle.) Therefore, we keep it between us and the few, (when I say few I mean 6 other people) and then if it turns out that it does not work, only the 8 of us will be sadden, and we spear everyone else from heartache. Luckily, the Huz and I have an extremely close relationship, and have been constant uplifting supports for each other.

Also, the less people who know, the less stress I will endure. What I have gathered from following blogs, tweets and other online forums, it seems that the less stress you put on yourself the more successful. I was a researcher in graduate school, and because of that I always OVER research and OVER plan everything! So I did not treat IVF any different, and the commonality regardless of food changes, drink changes, and medication changes, the most successful IVFs were when the couple was the least worried about success, and had the least amount of stress. Of course it is difficult not to stress, for goodness sake, you are stabbing yourself multiple times a day, taking oral medication, in a constant reminder that I have to do this to have a child. So to say not to stress is difficult, but what we can do is try to reduce the stress around us and try to put as much humor into IVF as possible.

Luckily I have just left the most stressful job in the world, for a job with a considerable pay increase and less that 1/64 of the stress. So I am lucky, but I knew I had to get out of my last job becuase it was changing my personality for the worst.

This leads me to my now double life! Today was the first appointment of a series of appointments that I will have over the next couples of months. I will write about this particular appointment after this. So I have now put on my work calendar these various appointments and listed them as random Dentist, Dermatologist, and Doctor Appointments.

I started this job over a month ago, so if I do get pregnant it wont look like I got a job and instantly got pregnant, however I do have to conjure up some excuses for the egg retrieval day and the transfer days…So, I am thinking, my diagnosis will be Diarrhea! Diarrhea is always a GREAT reason to stay home. Fortunately I have the capability to be able to connect to the server and work from home. However the two days I need pure rest, I have been diagnosed with chronic diarrhea! No one wants to be around someone who is constantly on the toilet, I mean you start to wonder, did they wash their hands? Did their poop splatter everywhere? Did they touch anything? Do they smell like poop? What did they eat? No one wants someone with chronic diarrhea around them, because you start to believe all you smell is poop! So I have time bank for the actual retrieval day and I will have Diarrhea so chronic I cannot leave my house for 3 days, which will just so happen to coincide with transfer day.

Call me Clark Kent.