Category: BFP

Like I told you in the beginning, as I finish this IVF journey I may jump around.  Mainly because I will write what I feel at the moment.  I am about to head to bed and I am listening to Oceans by HIllsong United. This song is going to be important to me for the rest of my life because this was my song during my twin cycle.

As you can imagine after 2 failed IVF cycles we were feeling defeated. We still had our son and so we tried to keep things in perspective that he just might be our only one and we were grateful for that.

My husband needed surgery to extract sperm and not just any surgery.  The surgery he needed was going to be a Micro TESE and only a handful of people truly specialized in the surgery.  I went back to find the original article done on this surgery because if we were going to do it, we were going to the best. At this point we had already spent $50k in IVF cycles and had our sweet son to show for it, but two heart breaking failures.

That is when I found Dr. Bruce Gilbert in Great Neck, NY.

At this point we were ready to drain our financial resources for another child (as this cycle ended up costing a whopping $48K.)  We made an appointment with him, as you can imagine he is booked out far in advance.  But of course getting there would not go smoothly.  Our flight got cancelled and knowing that we did not want to have to reschedule and push our cycle back, we flew in to Maryland, rented a car and drove 4 hours to get to the appointment on time at 8 am.  We were exhausted and that is when we coined our phase, “if this was easy, it wouldn’t be worth it.”

I will go into more details about Mirco-Tese and the Cycle in a different blog but for now I just want to talk about the song.  So during the 5 months, I leaned on God with everything, I mean I could not have walked during this time if it wasn’t for him.  And anytime I started to doubt or feel weary, the song Oceans by Hillsound United would come on geh radio or pandora, and I would think to myself, there is God reminding me again to trust HIM.

Well I go up for the week of ER and transfer, and I am just praying that Oceans would play. I am listening to Hillsong United Pandora station, Christian radio, and NOTHING. The song that I have heard probably a 100 times in the last 6 months in my moments of doubt does not play for me one freaking time. I was so low, and so sad. Because even after transfer as I leaned on HIM, I am asking please give me a sign this worked, give me MY sign. Nothing. After almost 2 weeks of being in New York for ER, Transfer then 4 days of bedrest, I finally am leaving to go back home.  I drive to LGA, and I am thinking well, we did our best, but I don’t think this worked.

Then as I approach the airport, OCEANS PLAYS on chrisitan radio, and ends right as I park the car the rental car to turn it. I burst into tears, the ugly hyperventalating tears. People must have thought something terrible had happened because I could not stop crying. And I KNEW, I KNEW at that moment HE never left and I was pregnant. Then 8.5 months later I gave birth too 2 healthy, beautiful 35 week twins that needed no NICU.

Moral of the story: Never lose hope.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Love and Sticky Dust,


Dad Knows Best…

As you know two days ago I had my first real Human moment of the IVF process. I was down for two days. I even was getting to the point where I was letting negative thoughts creep into me head. I was having doubts that I was not pregnant, because I did not know how I should be feeling right now. I was trying not to question God on why we had to go through this. Beta is Thursday And I only had 2 more days to wait. Plus I knew I was going to “cheat” and take a test the day before beta to prepare myself for the “Not Pregnant” I was going to get.

Then my Dad calls. As I have gotten older, I have realized that my dad actually knows something. Most of the time I think he’s a little obnoxious, boisterous, and arrogant. He is a self made business man, and he does not take crap from anyone. Even to the point of embarrassment sometimes. Well yesterday he calls to check on me. My dad is not the type to call everyday so I usually pick up. While we are talking he brings up my Aunt’s death that rocked our world last year. He starts to tell me a story about a man and an angel. It goes something like this:

There was a man, who needed a place to stay. First he went to the richest person’s house in the village and asked if they could stay for one night. The rich man said, I guess you can but you will sleep in the outhouse and we will throw you the left over food that we have. The man was grateful and stayed in the outhouse, which had not been taken care of, and was dirty. He received scraps of food and was still hungry. He was never to enter the main house.

The next day, he went to the poorest house in the village and asked if he could have a place to stay. This family lived on a small farm and only had one cow. They made their money by selling cow’s milk in the market. They let him inside, gave him their room while they slept on the floor. He ate and drank with them at the table, and was taken care of. In the morning he wakes up to hear the couple screaming. He goes outside and asks why they are screaming, they said our only cow how died. How will we make money, we will lose everything.

What the couple did not know is that in the night, the angel of death had come to the house for the husband. The man talked to the angel of death and said, please do not take the husband, take the cow instead. That they need each other but do not need the cow. So the angel of death took the cow and left the couple.

The man said to the couple, do not question God for why this has happened, but ask what’s next? That you have each other, and that is what is important. The couple agreed, and asked God what’s next, instead of questioning how he could do this to them.

The man left the home, and the couple goes to clean their room. They see a large bag of gold lying on the bed. The couple runs outside to catch the man, but he has already vanished. Meanwhile, the rich man who had not let the man enter his home was robbed of all his riches that same night and was left with nothing.

So as my dad is telling me this, I start to think, seriously…The second I start questioning why, my dad pops up with this story, about not asking why things happen to us. But start asking what is next for me. In the end my dad said to me, it will all work out the way it is supposed. You just have to have a little faith, which is hard. Because IVF beats you down. But we have to hold on to something, and faith that everything will work out…thanks for all the support my twitter and BabyCenter friends…tomorrow is Beta!