Category: Babies


middle-finger pregnancy testBefore I start this post I want to apologize for the discontinuity you may feel with my posts.  Since I essentially have skipped blogging for about 4.5 years I will be playing catch up and giving new details about my journey now and then.  But today before I get on the DREADED treadmill and start my 16-minute mile I thought I would talk about my first and only FET thus far.

I feel the need to write this post but I am feeling nervous while writing it knowing that I will be going through another FET cycle in August. When my 1st FET failed I was heartbroken but I kept it together because I was one of the lucky ones whose first round of IVF had worked (even though 2 embies were implanted and only one took, I still got my DS.)

So when this FET failed, I went home and cried but at the end of the day I still rocked my first baby to sleep and I am grateful for that because I know how many people do not have the buffer of another child when these cycles fail.  But nevertheless it hurts.

People who do not have to use science to have a baby do not understand the devastation that comes with a failed cycle.  Not only have you put money, time, and effort into going through a cycle, the emotional rollercoaster and the daily reminder that you have to go through this for a chance to have a baby slowly chips away at your soul. The daily injections, patches, pills, alarms set on phones so you don’t forget, wondering if all the PIO got injected because you feel like some leaked out. It’s taxing. It’s hard to stay positive or grateful for the opportunity because every day you are reminded that you cannot have a child without science, and chances are still not high.

But I will write a blog on support another day, today is about why I think FET#1 failed.  If I am being honest FET#1 was horrible timing.  This is where I left off on my blog, so I figure I will pick up there.

After the Routine Appointment, I went in for my first meeting with my old friend Mr. Wandy.  There is nothing I love more than to have a plastic camera stuck up my vagina (obviously I am joking 🙂 ) It was during that ultrasound that we discovered I had polyps in my uterus, which the doctor believed they developed after the birth of my first child.  Immediately the May cycle was cancelled and I was scheduled for a polyp removal surgery instead.

I was happy about this because honestly I was not ready for a cycle in May, I only had 2 months to mentally and physically prepare and I was not there.  Our life was crazy, and I was still trying to get down the first time mom thing with no support, my husband had just stopped traveling for work, and it was a messy time in our lives to be spending thousands of dollars on having another baby. But my husband was ready, and I wanted more kids so why not go for it.

After the removal we were given the all clear, and set for a July FET.  I tried my best to get in shape, but I didn’t. I didn’t take my vitamins regularly, and I was still overwhelmed with life, my marriage was in a rough place, it was just a hard period. Acupuncture and massages which were regulars during my first cycle, I had cut out because I did not have the time and quite frankly did not want to spend the money!

I knew my mental and physical body were not prepared, and I still went through it. I got angry for a while because people get pregnant all the time when they are stressed, when it’s the wrong time for a baby, crack addicts get pregnant. And I am thinking, My God, we are good people, we go to church, volunteer our time, love everybody and do not discriminate, we have a home, good jobs, a good life, and it should just work damn it.  So what if life is a little crazy, why can’t it just be easy.  But when it didn’t work and I got that HORRIBLE CALL I wasn’t surprised, I knew in my heart the timing was off, I was not ready, and it just was not meant to be, but I knew then we would go through another full round and when we did it would work, because it had too, it was only fair, right??

Looking back, I was naïve, but you have to be to keep going time after time.  You have to keep the faith that you are going to learn something, do something different and you will get the baby you have been praying and dreaming about.

And you know the worst part of a failed cycle, is that damn progesterone, telling my body, I am pregnant with the sore boobs, bloating and nausea. It’s a good swift kick in the gut and a reminder that until that call I received at 4 pm, I was pregnant until proven otherwise. It’s like you don’t know what to do with yourself, you feel silly for being so upset, it’s not like you were pregnant so can you call it your baby, it’s not a miscarriage, the embryo just didn’t stick.  If that is the case, then WHY DO I FEEL like I lost a baby, why do I FEEL like that was my child that I never get to meet now, WHY does it HURT so much. For all I know the embryo was missing chromosomes or maybe it had severe defects, but I don’t know that because I did not have testing done on them. So instead I am left wondering why I am not pregnant. The pain is real.  But I didn’t give up, we didn’t give up.  And this time I knew that I had to take control of start prepping now for my next cycle.

With no embryos left and we would have to start from the very beginning.  IVF Full Cycle #2, try #3 here I go!!

Until next time!

Love and Sticky Dust!

IVFwoes

Work Out Meme

Oh F^%& ya! 1 mile in 16 minutes and 45 seconds! Are you serious?? I can’t even. You know when people are like you will never regret a work out, well I do, every F-ing time I do it. Now I am a Christian woman, and cussing only comes out of my mouth when I am at my limits, but my gosh. I hate working out right now. Truly hate it. I know one day I will love it. But tonight I hate it.

When I started this IVF journey I was a hot, tight, 128 pound 26-year-old girl. Working out was more about seeing my friends at the gym, and running a quick mile and lifting a few weights and then head out to eat pizza and drink wine. I didn’t have to work out to stay in shape. Fast Forward to gaining 10 pounds of water weight every cycle (that is TIMES 4 people!) from bloat and fertility drugs, then giving birth to 3 babies, bedrest with twins for half of a pregnancy, gaining 60 lbs. with the twins, and that tight ass body was then 175-pound ball of fat, with diastasis recti, boobs that hang to my navel and twin skin that has its own zip code.

So, here I am 4 months out from my LAST IVF and I know that the times I have been successful I have been at my best mentally and physically. That has been my key to success. Back in November I knew I needed a mind reset so I did the Whole 30 eating plan. It is NOT a diet, but truly a reset. I lost 15 lbs. after completing Whole 30 and then another 10 lbs. after a month just by continuing my habits until I was 150. I kept almost all the weight off for the last 4 months but it has slowly started creeping up. I am now at 155. I don’t know what my goal weight is but right now all I want to feel is strong and healthy again in the next 4 months before I stick another child into my uterus praying that is sticks.

Until Next time!

Lots of love and Sticky Dust!

IVFwoes

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As you know we are ready to start thinking about Baby #2.  So we went to see Dr. Truth and talked about plans for the next baby and what we would need to do.  Everything seemed great and since this is not our first rodeo it was brief.  We then go into Nurse Boss’s office and she said so what date do you want, and the Huz says May! I look at him like what! He then gives me that, “Well why not?” stare…I told Nurse Boss that we will call her tomorrow with an answer.  Since I thought we had decided we were going to wait until the July cycle.

At this point I am not on board…I don’t think we are ready for number two, I have so many projects that I want to get done before I get pregnant.  Well more like purchases not projects! So I call my mom and she tells me if you are not emotionally or physically ready for another baby then don’t do it, but if it’s because of finances, I expect you to go through this in May.  Don’t get me wrong, we are not super wealthy, but we are pretty comfortable, and I just had other things I wanted to buy that we were saving up for before I had another baby.

So I call Nurse Boss and tell her that we are going to be doing the MAY cycle! Yep! That’s right! We are going through this in less than 2 months, so my 4-5 month window just CLOSED very quickly. I do not even have my protocol yet, but I will start BC pills today.  So wish me luck and we start this FET process! I honestly can’t believe it, but It is a relief because the decision is made and we are doing it. So here’s to stickiness!

ImageThe waiting game…With infertility you are always waiting, waiting for your next doctor’s appointment, waiting for test results, waiting for something. Most of all, you are waiting for your children. 

Thinking back to when I was a little girl playing pretend and house, I always envision myself with a certain amount of kids (mine was 3), but I always only had 1 baby and a couple of older kids.  What you don’t know at that time is each kid has to come one by one and at one point they are ALL babies.   I LOVE LOVE LOVE my little man and I am trying to savor every moment with him.  However, sometimes I just want to be on the other side of having kids.  I want to know I am DONE paying/savings to have kids, I want to know how many I will end up being blessed with, and I want to know I will never have to give myself another shot. I just wish I could fast forward to the end so I know,while trying to enjoy the present.

With all that said, I do feel a little bit at ease with this second go round.  I feel comfortable and ready for baby #2, I have all the items I need, and now that I have been pregnant I feel that I am more in tune with my body.  Even though every baby is different, there are certain things that I feel less stressed about, for instance, nursing, I made it a year with little man, and I know what to expect.  I hope to make it a year with #2 but if I don’t make it, I do not think I will be as devastated as I would have been with little man.  I am just more realistic about the LACK OF CONTROL you have with your child. Certain things work and other things don’t, and it’s all about just surviving and living in the moment with children.

The main stressor is hoping to get pregnant (as usual.) It worked last time, but you just never know…ever. I hope that it works again but you can’t get your hopes up too high.  I am doing all I can on my end and I just hope that it works with Gods plan.  Because the July implantation is really our only shot for this year, we would have to make major changes in vacation plans if we have to go another round, which would result in having to tell family members when we really do not want to until after we are pregnant again.  I just hope this frozen embie holds on for dear life!

But at the end of the day,  I am so grateful that I live in this day and age.  Who knows if we would even have children at all 35 years ago. I feel so blessed and lucky to have my one.  So even with all this waiting, anticipation, worry and expenses. I am grateful.

So I know its been a very long time since I have written a blog post.  More than likely I have lost most of my followers, but life got so busy after I got pregnant.  I had some major life changes, the Huz and I both got new jobs right before IVF, so we were adjusting to that.  Wedding season begun, and I started traveling for work.  We had a friend move in with us, and my sister-in-law was also pregnant at the same time and we had family events I feel like every weekend.  I was going at turbo speed!

 Anyway this was all brought to a halt when I was put on bed rest 2 weeks ago at 30 weeks.  My cervix was beginning to shorten and I was 1 cm dilated.  I have always been paranoid about having an incompetent cervix as I have a friend who lost a baby early due to that very issue.  So I always had my doc check.  Please being an IVF patient, Mr. Wandy is a close friend of mine.  That is when they saw the cervical funneling and my cervix was shortening.  I was sent to the hospital and monitored, I received 2 steroid shots and stayed for 3 days.  Once they determined I in fact was not having any signs of labor they put me on bed rest.  I am still 1 cm but now I am 50% effaced.

So now I lay everyday, the good news is I am gaining weight like a champ finally. Until now I had only gain 11 lbs total.  In the last 2 weeks I have gained 6!  I am doing everything I possibly can to keep this kid in here. This goes to show you mothering starts long before the baby arrives. Even after all of this, IVF, bed rest, I cannot wait to do it again!  It will all be worth it when I meet my sweet little boy!  I am giving it up to God! We will see what happens!

I am sorry that I have not been a good blogger. Thank you for still reading even though I have not been writing.

Here is my update:  Beta 10 days post transfer = 110, 2nd Beta 14 days post transfer = 1,332

Heck yeah!  So there is definitely a baby in there.  I go for my third beta tomorrow at 17 dpt.  I also had to increase my progesterone.  Dr. T was not happy with my levels.  So not only do I have to use Crinone in the morning and PIO at night.  I get to do another Crinone at work in the afternoon!!! Yippee :/  Seriously, I am sick of progesterone.

But I did want to bring up, in light of all my joy and happiness, there has been a lot of sadness this week.  I want prayers to go out to MaternalTurtle and LeLelsMe who are suffering devastating losses this week. I am so so sorry this has happened. Life is not fair, and I ask God to give both of you peace.

 

Dad Knows Best…

As you know two days ago I had my first real Human moment of the IVF process. I was down for two days. I even was getting to the point where I was letting negative thoughts creep into me head. I was having doubts that I was not pregnant, because I did not know how I should be feeling right now. I was trying not to question God on why we had to go through this. Beta is Thursday And I only had 2 more days to wait. Plus I knew I was going to “cheat” and take a test the day before beta to prepare myself for the “Not Pregnant” I was going to get.

Then my Dad calls. As I have gotten older, I have realized that my dad actually knows something. Most of the time I think he’s a little obnoxious, boisterous, and arrogant. He is a self made business man, and he does not take crap from anyone. Even to the point of embarrassment sometimes. Well yesterday he calls to check on me. My dad is not the type to call everyday so I usually pick up. While we are talking he brings up my Aunt’s death that rocked our world last year. He starts to tell me a story about a man and an angel. It goes something like this:

There was a man, who needed a place to stay. First he went to the richest person’s house in the village and asked if they could stay for one night. The rich man said, I guess you can but you will sleep in the outhouse and we will throw you the left over food that we have. The man was grateful and stayed in the outhouse, which had not been taken care of, and was dirty. He received scraps of food and was still hungry. He was never to enter the main house.

The next day, he went to the poorest house in the village and asked if he could have a place to stay. This family lived on a small farm and only had one cow. They made their money by selling cow’s milk in the market. They let him inside, gave him their room while they slept on the floor. He ate and drank with them at the table, and was taken care of. In the morning he wakes up to hear the couple screaming. He goes outside and asks why they are screaming, they said our only cow how died. How will we make money, we will lose everything.

What the couple did not know is that in the night, the angel of death had come to the house for the husband. The man talked to the angel of death and said, please do not take the husband, take the cow instead. That they need each other but do not need the cow. So the angel of death took the cow and left the couple.

The man said to the couple, do not question God for why this has happened, but ask what’s next? That you have each other, and that is what is important. The couple agreed, and asked God what’s next, instead of questioning how he could do this to them.

The man left the home, and the couple goes to clean their room. They see a large bag of gold lying on the bed. The couple runs outside to catch the man, but he has already vanished. Meanwhile, the rich man who had not let the man enter his home was robbed of all his riches that same night and was left with nothing.

So as my dad is telling me this, I start to think, seriously…The second I start questioning why, my dad pops up with this story, about not asking why things happen to us. But start asking what is next for me. In the end my dad said to me, it will all work out the way it is supposed. You just have to have a little faith, which is hard. Because IVF beats you down. But we have to hold on to something, and faith that everything will work out…thanks for all the support my twitter and BabyCenter friends…tomorrow is Beta!

I feel like a bomb that is waiting to go off. 

I had my last date with the magic stick today.  The follicles are looking mighty big!  The doctor is hoping to have anywhere from 25 – 30 eggs.  So keep my ovaries in your prayers.  My estrogen level has elevated, and so I am reducing doses of HCG.  On the other hand I am in pain.  I have gained about 9 lbs in a week and it is showing in my belly. I try to lay flat as much as possible that is the most comfortable position for me.  Walking long distances feels so uncomfortable and I am a stairs girl, and there is no way to walk up and down them at work.  I’m ready for the Egg Retrieval! I am READY, damn it!

However, when I got the call today that my ER was really scheduled for Wednesday, I got nervous and excited all at the same time.  I have stayed pretty positive but today was the first time I experienced being scared.  For a brief second I had a break in the positivity and was thinking of all the things that could go wrong! Then I watched that sweet Pampers Miracle commercial and I realized that I am scared because I want it so bad.  I want the grand prize at the end of this journey so bad.  I want to hold my own baby in my arms, look at my husband and say, “Can you believe we did this, we created this.”  I want to cry in the sonogram room when I hear the heart beat for the first time.  I want to decorate a nursery, and have a baby shower, I want to join the mommy club.  I want to have  hopes and dreams, and look at my child in awe because it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I want to see my baby laugh, cry, sleep, spit up, and change loads of dirty diapers.  I want to love our child like there is nothing else in the world that matters.  I want it all. I want to have my husband’s child.  I want it, and for the first time, I realize how nervous and scared I really am, because I realize that in over a week either that dream may or may not come true.

So I feel like the time in ticking on this bomb ready to go off.  I have a huge range of emotions, but most of them are happy, positive and good thoughts.  All I have right now is to stay positive and optimistic.  I already know what the worst could happen is, so why dwell on it?  Infertility sucks, seriously, it sucks bad.  But this is our  journey, this is our struggle, and we can only keep the faith that we will end up with a precious baby by Valentine’s Day!

I choose Hope and I hope you do the same.

In case you wanted to cry too!

I know Mother’s Day is very hard for a lot of infertile couples/women. It’s a reminder that you still don’t have a child. I have read numerous other blogs about how Mother’s Day effects them, and some have been sad, and some have been wonderfully positive. I am choosing to stay on the side of positivity. There was one blog I read about Mothering Yourself, that I found fabulous. In summary it basically was talking about how we are being a mother to ourselves during/though the infertility process. We advocate for ourselves, take care of ourselves, we do everything to ensure that our next fertility treatment can be as successful as possible, and lastly, when there is no hope, we still find a way to have it.

I got the most adorable card Mother’s Day Card yesterday from the The Huz. He put a little letter inside and it was the sweetest thing I have ever read. This was the last line of the letter. “I hope our children look back at the card and say, “why did dad send mom a Mother’s Day card when they did not have children yet’, it’s because we knew and we had hope.”

So I hope today is a wonderful Mother’s Day to all those hoping to make this the last Mother’s Day without a child.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Pamper Mircale Commerical – I just like all the babies! So Sweet!

Today on twitter I have read three different posts on how to tell the infertile couple you are pregnant. This is funny because for the last 2.5 weeks I have suspected that my sister-in-law is pregnant and not telling me since she knows what we are going through. I feel with this whole IVF treatment it makes your senses even more heighten to seeing and knowing symptoms of pregnancy.

I have 3 types of online support that I am using to get through this IVF cycle, obviously this one where I can blog about what is going on with my cycle. Twitter, where I follow other infertile couples on their journeys through IVF, and BabyCenter, which I have a little group of 11 girls who are all the same age as me 24-26, going through IVF this May cycle with me. After reading those blogs and talking to the girls on my BabyCenter group I have realized a couple of things personally about telling the infertile couple you are pregnant.

I think it depends where you are in your infertility journey. My group on BabyCenter group are all first time IVFers, only 2 have done IUIs, and a couple took Clomid. We have barely been on this journey. So we are still excited whenever we hear of someone being pregnant. However, talk to us a couple of years from now if we have not had any children, and have spent thousands and thousands of dollars, we may not be as excited. I think the infertility journey can definitely wear you down.

  1. I also believe it depends on age. At 26, I know that I will probably keep doing treatments until I either am done having kids, or I get tired. Either way I have years ahead of me that I could potentially become pregnant. In my cohort at Dr. T’s office I am the youngest by 3 years.
  2. For me specifically, we have a male factor issue that was easily identified. My husband did have testicular cancer at 6 months old, so we already knew with chemotherapy and medication there could potentially be a problem. It was very sweet one day his mom and I went to lunch one day and she told me that she was sorry for making the decision that affected his fertility. I told her, that if she didn’t make that decision I probably wouldn’t have such a sweet husband.

This is how I look at it. Right now I am at the age where everyone is getting pregnant. I am one of those people who truly believe that everyone has their own struggles, whether its school related, financial, family etc. The Huz and I have an extremely blessed life, great families on both sides and have not really had to worry about anything. So the way I look at it now is that our struggle is fertility, and if this is the most difficult struggle we go through, I’ll take it. The Huz is such a wonderful man, and I couldn’t imagine a better person to go through this with. So when people are trying to figure out how to be sensitive to the infertile couples need, I would look at where they are at in their journey, how old there are, and be sensitive to that. Every couple handles news different, just make sure you do your research before you drop the bomb.

Hoping everyone is having a great day! Peace, Love and Baby Dust!