Archive for May, 2017

Ordering a Baby…

That is what it felt like last week when I made the call to “R.”

Me: Hey “R” this is IVFwoes, how are you!

R: Woes! How are you?!  We are great, how are those twinkies of yours!

Me: They are great, growing like weeds, and keeping me on my toes.

R: That is great, you need to bring them in sometime! We just love seeing our creations! And your DS? How is he doing?

Me: He is wonderful too! Yes, we will bring in the creations in soon.  Well, I am calling because I would like to order another one.  I only would like one this time, but I am as assuming they will take both out of the freezer and thaw both to be able to pick the best one?

R: Yes, and if we can re-freeze the egg we will,  when would you like it?

Me: Well, I am thinking spring or summer baby, so August sound good?

R: Yes, let’s get you scheduled.

Now, it didn’t go EXACTLY like that, they don’t call my babies creations, and I didn’t order a baby like pizza. But it felt that way. This last cycle we just straight order what we would like, this ain’t our first rodeo, but the fear is still there. I find myself getting excited and then I remind myself that not every embryo will stick.  I have only been through one FET and it failed.  I feel in a much better place than I did during that cycle but the fear is still there, constantly creeping up at unexpected times trying tear down my hope.

Now that I have set my date what is next.  They will schedule me for a meeting with Mr. Wandy to check to see if my uterus is clear.  I need to get serious about my health.  I am not going to go crazy with vitamins, herbs and all that good stuff this time. I just need to take what my body needs.

Prenatal, Fish Oil, Vitamin D and U Co-Q-10.

Then I will go a massage every other week, and start going to acupuncture in June.

I have started exercising daily, and will add Yoga and Barre Method the first week of June.  Yoga is something that I have done basically my whole adult life. It’s good for the soul and helps me visualize being pregnant and implantation which I think is so important to be in the best head space, and Barre method is something new I want to try.

Lastly, I pray, daily, every day, every chance that this baby will stick. I am scared and that is the truth. I want this so bad, I want this last baby to finish my family, but I have to remind myself how lucky I have to have the 3 already. Sometimes I feel greedy but then I think it’s not fair that I should feel like that, there are people who have 4, 8, 10 kids and they do not ever have to think of themselves as being greedy. Just because I am using science does not mean I have to feel that I should stop at whatever point is “rational” for others.

So I hold on to hope and work as hard as I can to prepare my body for this journey!

Today I live you with this:

1 John 5:14

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

Love and sticky dust!



Like I told you in the beginning, as I finish this IVF journey I may jump around.  Mainly because I will write what I feel at the moment.  I am about to head to bed and I am listening to Oceans by HIllsong United. This song is going to be important to me for the rest of my life because this was my song during my twin cycle.

As you can imagine after 2 failed IVF cycles we were feeling defeated. We still had our son and so we tried to keep things in perspective that he just might be our only one and we were grateful for that.

My husband needed surgery to extract sperm and not just any surgery.  The surgery he needed was going to be a Micro TESE and only a handful of people truly specialized in the surgery.  I went back to find the original article done on this surgery because if we were going to do it, we were going to the best. At this point we had already spent $50k in IVF cycles and had our sweet son to show for it, but two heart breaking failures.

That is when I found Dr. Bruce Gilbert in Great Neck, NY.

At this point we were ready to drain our financial resources for another child (as this cycle ended up costing a whopping $48K.)  We made an appointment with him, as you can imagine he is booked out far in advance.  But of course getting there would not go smoothly.  Our flight got cancelled and knowing that we did not want to have to reschedule and push our cycle back, we flew in to Maryland, rented a car and drove 4 hours to get to the appointment on time at 8 am.  We were exhausted and that is when we coined our phase, “if this was easy, it wouldn’t be worth it.”

I will go into more details about Mirco-Tese and the Cycle in a different blog but for now I just want to talk about the song.  So during the 5 months, I leaned on God with everything, I mean I could not have walked during this time if it wasn’t for him.  And anytime I started to doubt or feel weary, the song Oceans by Hillsound United would come on geh radio or pandora, and I would think to myself, there is God reminding me again to trust HIM.

Well I go up for the week of ER and transfer, and I am just praying that Oceans would play. I am listening to Hillsong United Pandora station, Christian radio, and NOTHING. The song that I have heard probably a 100 times in the last 6 months in my moments of doubt does not play for me one freaking time. I was so low, and so sad. Because even after transfer as I leaned on HIM, I am asking please give me a sign this worked, give me MY sign. Nothing. After almost 2 weeks of being in New York for ER, Transfer then 4 days of bedrest, I finally am leaving to go back home.  I drive to LGA, and I am thinking well, we did our best, but I don’t think this worked.

Then as I approach the airport, OCEANS PLAYS on chrisitan radio, and ends right as I park the car the rental car to turn it. I burst into tears, the ugly hyperventalating tears. People must have thought something terrible had happened because I could not stop crying. And I KNEW, I KNEW at that moment HE never left and I was pregnant. Then 8.5 months later I gave birth too 2 healthy, beautiful 35 week twins that needed no NICU.

Moral of the story: Never lose hope.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Love and Sticky Dust,


FullSizeRender-1Let’s call this what it is people!
I have NEGLECTED you. But that ends today. While getting ready for tomorrow the BIG day. I found this, and old top to a storage bin of our vitamins that my husband and I took in preparing for our cycle #4 with resulted in our twins.  At the time I am sure there was a reason why we took all of these pills.  As I get ready for Cycle #5 and hopefully baby #4.  I do not feel the same urgency as before, but will plan on looking into some of these vitamins and get back to you next week with which ones I will take this time.  But with tomorrow being 90 days’ till transfer it is time to get my s*** together.

Why is 90 days so significant?  Well, some of the obsessive reading I have done over the years explains that the development of an egg approximately takes 90 days.   Sol I also kick it up a notch in the health department 90 days before egg retrieval.  In this case I will not be retrieving any eggs so my 90 days will end on the day I have my frozen transfer.

I do everything in my power so that I will not have any regrets.  We tend to beat ourselves up, and the reality is, at the end of the day, we are all just praying they stick. We all know that even a great looking, grading embryos sometimes just doesn’t stick.

Anyway, I am off to work out.  Part of the daily plan! I look forward to sucking you in on my journey the next 90 days!!

Here we go!

Love and Sticky Dust!