middle-finger pregnancy testBefore I start this post I want to apologize for the discontinuity you may feel with my posts.  Since I essentially have skipped blogging for about 4.5 years I will be playing catch up and giving new details about my journey now and then.  But today before I get on the DREADED treadmill and start my 16-minute mile I thought I would talk about my first and only FET thus far.

I feel the need to write this post but I am feeling nervous while writing it knowing that I will be going through another FET cycle in August. When my 1st FET failed I was heartbroken but I kept it together because I was one of the lucky ones whose first round of IVF had worked (even though 2 embies were implanted and only one took, I still got my DS.)

So when this FET failed, I went home and cried but at the end of the day I still rocked my first baby to sleep and I am grateful for that because I know how many people do not have the buffer of another child when these cycles fail.  But nevertheless it hurts.

People who do not have to use science to have a baby do not understand the devastation that comes with a failed cycle.  Not only have you put money, time, and effort into going through a cycle, the emotional rollercoaster and the daily reminder that you have to go through this for a chance to have a baby slowly chips away at your soul. The daily injections, patches, pills, alarms set on phones so you don’t forget, wondering if all the PIO got injected because you feel like some leaked out. It’s taxing. It’s hard to stay positive or grateful for the opportunity because every day you are reminded that you cannot have a child without science, and chances are still not high.

But I will write a blog on support another day, today is about why I think FET#1 failed.  If I am being honest FET#1 was horrible timing.  This is where I left off on my blog, so I figure I will pick up there.

After the Routine Appointment, I went in for my first meeting with my old friend Mr. Wandy.  There is nothing I love more than to have a plastic camera stuck up my vagina (obviously I am joking 🙂 ) It was during that ultrasound that we discovered I had polyps in my uterus, which the doctor believed they developed after the birth of my first child.  Immediately the May cycle was cancelled and I was scheduled for a polyp removal surgery instead.

I was happy about this because honestly I was not ready for a cycle in May, I only had 2 months to mentally and physically prepare and I was not there.  Our life was crazy, and I was still trying to get down the first time mom thing with no support, my husband had just stopped traveling for work, and it was a messy time in our lives to be spending thousands of dollars on having another baby. But my husband was ready, and I wanted more kids so why not go for it.

After the removal we were given the all clear, and set for a July FET.  I tried my best to get in shape, but I didn’t. I didn’t take my vitamins regularly, and I was still overwhelmed with life, my marriage was in a rough place, it was just a hard period. Acupuncture and massages which were regulars during my first cycle, I had cut out because I did not have the time and quite frankly did not want to spend the money!

I knew my mental and physical body were not prepared, and I still went through it. I got angry for a while because people get pregnant all the time when they are stressed, when it’s the wrong time for a baby, crack addicts get pregnant. And I am thinking, My God, we are good people, we go to church, volunteer our time, love everybody and do not discriminate, we have a home, good jobs, a good life, and it should just work damn it.  So what if life is a little crazy, why can’t it just be easy.  But when it didn’t work and I got that HORRIBLE CALL I wasn’t surprised, I knew in my heart the timing was off, I was not ready, and it just was not meant to be, but I knew then we would go through another full round and when we did it would work, because it had too, it was only fair, right??

Looking back, I was naïve, but you have to be to keep going time after time.  You have to keep the faith that you are going to learn something, do something different and you will get the baby you have been praying and dreaming about.

And you know the worst part of a failed cycle, is that damn progesterone, telling my body, I am pregnant with the sore boobs, bloating and nausea. It’s a good swift kick in the gut and a reminder that until that call I received at 4 pm, I was pregnant until proven otherwise. It’s like you don’t know what to do with yourself, you feel silly for being so upset, it’s not like you were pregnant so can you call it your baby, it’s not a miscarriage, the embryo just didn’t stick.  If that is the case, then WHY DO I FEEL like I lost a baby, why do I FEEL like that was my child that I never get to meet now, WHY does it HURT so much. For all I know the embryo was missing chromosomes or maybe it had severe defects, but I don’t know that because I did not have testing done on them. So instead I am left wondering why I am not pregnant. The pain is real.  But I didn’t give up, we didn’t give up.  And this time I knew that I had to take control of start prepping now for my next cycle.

With no embryos left and we would have to start from the very beginning.  IVF Full Cycle #2, try #3 here I go!!

Until next time!

Love and Sticky Dust!

IVFwoes

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